Welcome to my BLOG! "Is it me or...." is my space to say what I want, when I want, how I want! This is a biggy or me these days as 99.9% of my time is spent unravelling the knots in the lives of those I love. I don't mind being there for everyone, I just mind the fact that I have a lot to say, lots on my mind and no one ever seems to be around when I have the time to get stuff off my chest.
I'm a very creative person, personally and professionally so expressing myself is like breathing. Only I feel as though I haven't gotten to breathe deeply in a while. SO here it is. It's about Love, Confusion, Daily Madness, 30sumthin growing pains...LIFE IN GENERAL! I'm open...are you? Post don't post. I'm here and glad to be.
Welcome!
La Bella Violet
U...since my last post.
1. I have more messy people in my extended family than I ever knew I did. ( Aunt is a trouble maker who lives in the past and holds a grudge for her nieces and nephews for stuff that our parents did when they were all growing up. Cousin just got married, had a baby and came out of the closet...well actually got caught in it by her husband....and....)
2. My tolerance level for bs has increased in my "old" age. There was a time not so long ago where I would have told everyone that has irked me to just go f*&k themselves. My how I have grown, now I just think it.
3. My husband just doesn't want to see the truth let alone deal with it. Go figure.
4. My brother In-law has always been, is, and will always be an ASSHOLE! And if I ever believed there was any hope for his wife to graduate from the chicken head level up to a real woman...you get where I'm going so I don't need to go there.
5. My stepson is a grade A screw up...GOTDAMMMIT HE'S STILL HERE!!!!!! SH!T! News flash kid just because you tell a lie enough times doesn't make it true. Drug tests don't lie you gotdayum pot head!
6. I look really cute with bangs...it's also a great way to hide my full facial expression ( my eyebrows and forehead..ya know that one brow up thing or furrow of brow and forehead when someone says some really dumb sh!t and your face gives you away ...) anyway, I thought my mom ruined bangs for me as a kid and well WHO KNEW. They're not just for 10 year olds anymore.
7. People who need to take criticism don't take it and they screw up big time and can cost you MONEY!!!!!! I joke about a lot of things but I don't play with my MONAAAAYYYY!!!! It's a wonder I haven't put a hurtin on a certain someone...WHAT A MORON!!!!!!
8. My friends are...they just are. I wonder why I talk to some of them at all anymore.
9. I can't deal with anyone else’s drama anymore and I am going to stop answering my little cousins calls they are driving me CRAZY! They are so friggin dense. I swear they are whipped. " LADIES...these jack offs that you call boyfriends are not the only men who can take you to the mountain top....MOVE THE HELL ON and stop calling me, crashing on my sofa everytime you get stressed, and just generally speaking STOP whining to me about this sh!t! GET A GRIP. If nothing else get a Blog. Get your sh!t off that way, trust it helps and you don't wear out your emotional welcome with the people in your life. 
10. I really think I would be so much happier if I just broke out, got my own spot and visited my husband once a month...just to catch up. God he is so not present it's not even funny.
11. You always meet someone that you KNOW you would have fallen for and been more compatible with AFTER you're locked down. What's even worse is when the dude has the balls to let you know he thinks you are AMAZING!!!! Fate is a fickle bitch and if I ever catch her on the street I'm gonna kick her miscalculating ass!
12. RE 10 & 11 respectively...I'm either a glutton for punishment or a moral giant because I've got 101 reasons to be a cheating, creepin, backsliding chick and yet I'm not. I expect nothing less than the red carpet treatment when I get to heaven! 
So, it's been a funky couple of months. I'm no worse for the wear but I am really in a twisted place. I feel like I need to get seriously selfish. I honestly think I'm headed towards a divorce. Dear hubby is back to coasting and taking all his crap from work, kids , siblings, gas prices, GWB, low carb bread tasting like paper....out on me. We have reached a crossroads and it's like this; if I stay I can either get good with the fact that things may never get better as he doesn't think anything is wrong, or rather he chooses not to deal with it. On the other hand I can leave and see what happens. But at least that way I'm only responsible for me. The thing is I know he would still be in my life, but as a friend. I really do love him, I just don't like him as much as I used to. Whoa, that's rough huh? I feel like we should have just been friends. As friends we're cool. As husband and wife, we just do not jell. In addition I don't know if I can take his family being fixtures and purveyors or constant grief in my life..ex. My in-laws(his sister and her youngins) notifying me that they are coming to town for a few days, stay a week and he's okay with it. HELLO, I'm the lady of this house and I have no say in it? Screw that, I don't pull that sh!t with my kin folks or let them pull that on me...us (I always consult him before letting my girl interupted cousins crash on our sofa). So why should I have to take it? They are nuts. My sister In-law is passive aggressive. And one of her sons has serious anger management problems. I'm talking head banging on the wall, locking himself in the bathroom while he talks about how much he hates everyone type st!t. Oh yea, the other kid is a closet pyromaniac...I swear people I couldn't make this sh!it up if I wanted to. Yes it was a fun week!!!! BTW, As they were leaving they notified me that they will be back this summer and staying for a few weeks...he thinks it's GREAT! Uhhhmmmm.... F*&K THAT!!!!!! 
Anyway, The girl is still raising hell just now she's doing it with the woman who bore her. But the a threat looms, she may be back. I KNOW I can't take it. Essentially it's me or them. Damn that sounds harsh. But it is what it is. My mother says that God is going to bless me because even though I feel the way I do I keep giving of my heart. Why am I like this? Damn my parents for raising me right! When all is said and done, the only thing that I am ecstatic about is that in the midst of this madness that has become my life, I haven't lost me. I guess if I had none of this mess would bother me right? Right! And the beat goes on...
just one of a countless many in this world. So WHY has a " A Million Little Pieces" become the be all end all proverbial red headed stepchild of the literary world? PLEASE don't tell me it's because Oprah says so. Here is my feeling about the whole mess.
1. It was stupid to call the thing an out and out memoir. He should have just been upfront about the fact that it is essentially a work of fiction based on his former reality. It's not like it would be the first book ever published of it's kind. Hell just use the standard" Some names, dates and events have been fictionalized to protect the identities of the people and for dramatic effect" Hell I've seen that piece of legal scroll past my eyes on many a cinematic closing credit.
2. I personally think that the whole bring James Frey on to the Oprah show thing, was more about spin that anything else. She's not stupid, she probably meant what she said when she called Larry King Live. To me she looks like more of a fool because she pledged her support then turned around and brought him to her show and ripped him a new one for the viewing pleasure of millions. ( I'm surprised that it's not sweeps, because this shit read like a serious publicity...ratings stunt to me.) It was just ugly.
3. The Publisher should have done some fact checking. Bottom line, it's the way it should be. If Journalists have to check and verify facts for a piece that may only run once...a Publisher of books should have to do the same for something that will be reproduced by the millions. It's only right.
4. This Oprah thing...it's urkin the shit out of me. Does she honestly believe that this is the first thing that she had endorsed, or person that she has promoted that was full of shit? Give me a break. She hocked liquid diets like they were the gospel back in the day...had women every where drinking their breakfast and lunch. Shit happens. She needs to get good with the fact that we all make mistakes. No one is perfect. That doesn't give any of us the right to publicly humiliate a person/I mean DAMN she looked at him like he was a piece of shit on the bottom of her shoe. IT'S NOT THAT DEEP O! Breathe, shake, relax and LET IT GO! " I'm embarrassed..." Who cares.
5. The book for better or for worse helped people. At least it wasn't a Hollywood or Capitol Hill expose that ruined actual people's lives with lies. It moved many, in that regard my hat is off to Mr.Frey.
6. And this is the good one...HELLO! People, lest we not get stupid and believe that this is the only book ever written where the Author has taken liberties with the content. At this very moment there are probably countless books in book stores, libraries and personal book cases the world over that are called Biographies, Autobiographies and Memoirs that preach triumph over adversity, hope in hopeless situations, redemption for the unforgivable...and no one has a clue that they are bogus. Is the crime here that Mr.Frey embellished, which every day people do when they tell stories (the classic: I caught a huge fish this weekend story, when in fact it was a guppy...) OR is the issue that he got caught? OR Better yet, is it that Oprah put her ass on the line and her label on it and got blasted? Hmmmmm, I think it's a combination of getting caught and Ms. O needing to save face. I mean after all the Queen of Media can't get caught sleeping on the job. What ever shall we do? OH DEAR!
I don't condone what he did, but it happened. I honestly think all the hype is just just that, hype. It's over the top. Like I's said a few times in this entry, he's not alone. He just had the misfortune of having a powerhouse of a public figure in the middle of this mess when the truth came out. I bet he wishes he never got that call " Hi James, it's Oprah Winfrey and I want your book to be my book club book!" Betcha wish ya had a time machine James...
I pray that this poor fool doesn't have a nervous break down behind this. This is the kind of stuff that can break a person. No one deserves to be broken down like that. He wrote a book, a great one, a vivid one. He got stupid and got caught. But SHIT...it's just a book!
a simple change of perspective can present a right side up picture. Not deep just a thought. I typed out this whole long thing about what has been going on for the past 6 days. I wrote about the drama and trauma of realizing that your kid is out of control and is hell bent on doing what she wants no matter what you do. I wrote about how deeply hurt my husband was...is about having to dig deep and reach out to his estranged ex-wife and ask her to step up and help him to save their little girl. I delved into the profound irony of me the step mother who this child has loved, hated, leaned on, pushed away, trusted, having to reassure her that going to her Mother was okay. I had to give her back and step back after all these years of being the Mom and allow what was supposed to be all along, be. I didn't ask for this life, this role but it was mine and letting go was hard as hell. BUT I say that if my husband who has been the one constant in her and her brothers life could get passed the hurt to do what he needed to do no matter how much it hurt, I could suck it up and accept this. We would rather miss her than mourn her. She was out there.
She wanted to do what she wanted to do. This last time she wanted to take a 3 day journey to who knows where with God only knows who. We learned things that no parent wants to learn about their little girl in this past 6 days. She wasn't loving us when she kissed us good-bye last Friday morning and decided not to go to school and not to come home until three days later. We were loving her as we called the police and printed off recent pictures of her while we held on to the hope that she would call or come home. She didn't mean it when she told me only a few days earlier that she wanted to do right and gave me her word that she meant it. She lied, repeatedly. We may never know just how much. This was so much more than the typical teen rebellion. We had to come to terms with the fact that she is truly a wild child. And the more that we tried to work with her the more she tried to work against us.
So, now she is gone and at first it felt like we were grieving for a lost child. I don't think I've ever cried so much and so hard in my life. But she is in the midst of love and a healing is going to take place. The battle is not over. And those who should have been helping us protect her but rather helped her to turn out like this for lack of respect for my husband are still trying to undermine this decision and again take ownership of her. My brother in-law and his wife are so unhealthy and I think it's just evil. But that's another story. Now its time for her mother to be the guardian of her fate, flesh and soul, with Gods help of course. I know in my heart that we did the best we could. The one thing that she has needed, feared, wanted, rejected the most was the key...Mommy. No one but the woman who gave her life and burdened her with the her biggest conflict, could help her. Love is healing, and resolution is key. I respect that.
There is so so so much to this , I can't type it all. I don't know what will come, my husband is in a weird space and I don't know if things with us can get better behind this. But I do know that life must go on. And in the end this is for the best. It was just so sudden and it hurts. For this I turn to my faith. I know one thing we weren't mentally or emotionally prepared for this, in a short time it will be just he and I. We didn't plan on our nest being empty so soon.
God bless and keep her. I have let go...
NOTE: In the middle of all the pain, she pulled one final caper as she left our home...she picked her brothers pocket and stole his new MP3 player. She wanted one, and in typical fashion, she did what SHE wanted to do. And this very way of being is why we did what we had to do.
I started listening to Bjork. I was an instant fan. I haven't really had time to listen to much music these days. But I took some time out today to listen to some of my Bjork collection and after all this time, her work still sounds new to me. I think its more the lyrics than anything else. But none the less, I feel like doing something different in my journal today to express how I'm feeling right now. Well at least how I feel about going into 2006 and looking back at some of the social changes I've made in my personal life over the past two years.
Essentially for 2006 , I'm on a mission to get some serious work done. Focus more on me and what I need to do for me. Get more into the good book. And keep working on my marriage and keeping this family afloat. As for the social changes...I've really cut ties with some major emotional vampires so to speak. Some times I get a little lonesome for the fact that the phone doesn't ring nonstop and the going out and breaking night at Diners down town happens far less than it used to. But 1.I got married! And 2.I had long been tired of the madness, drama, and miscellaneous bull sh*t and random verbiage of people who had nothing better to do than gossip or complain about things that just don't matter. Hence I ask myself why I miss it sometimes. I guess because that's just human nature. At times in your life you travel in packs. At a different time in your life you nest and or move in a social circle of real living breathing thinking adults that you have real things in common with. I have reached the latter.
I guess haveing a birthday not too long ago also has something to do with it. AND having to be a parent...AND having to be completely, totally responsible all the time...AND having no privacy...AND not being able to sleep in on days off. But whatever, in retrospect, I really wouldn't want to go back to19,20 21,22... I was a lil wild back then. But I do cherish the memories. Even though I was the "Mommy" all the time; got drunk friends home, pulled loose friends out of night club utility closets from up under sleazy guys...I still managed to party hard. I do not miss the hangovers, heartaches or struggles. I suppose I did what your supposed to do at that point in your life. However, I'm glad I had the sensibility to be the first of my pack, to leave the pack. Granted I met my now husband and joined up with a different more mature pack, which we have since stepped away from and into our quiet circle of friends. But the point is life just keeps on keeping on... growing up.
On the upside I think that the woman I am today would really enjoy talking to the young lady I was then. And I think that the young lady I was then, would really enjoy talking to and learning a sh*t load from the woman I have become. And one way or the other all this chattin would go down at the funkiest little lounges and restaurants because THANK GOD I have always had great taste! And one of the many things that we would have in common would be our appreciation for this song.
Okay, so this wasn't supposed to be a stroll down memory lane. But screw it! And I think I'm going to revisit this "theme" of who I was and who I am again either in this journal or some other terribly creative way. Anyway, this song is speaking to me.
Bjork
(Post)
stand up
you've got to manage
i won't sympathize
anymore
and if you complain once more
you'll meet an army of me
you're alright
there's nothing wrong
self-sufficience please!
and get to work
and if you complain once more
you'll meet an army of me
you're on your own now
we won't save you
your rescue-squad
is too exhausted
and if you complain once more
you'll meet an army of me
SO, it's time for a quick wrap up. First off Christmas was very nice. All were happy with their gifts. We didn't go broke and there was peace in the house. Went to church and watched the little ones in a Christmas Pageant...absolute SWEETNESS!
Now to get to something that I had been trying to be gracious about since Christmas Eve. Now DH and I wound up getting our Sister in-law a $50 gift card to a clothing store that had a good idea she would like a lot. We were content with ourselves. Even though my gut told me that this terry robe and slippers that I had spied the night before was a better bet (make note of this). I mean it was well made, kind of plush, and it would have fit beautifully. But DH was not hearing me. Hence we arrived at the gift certificate idea. WELL my brother in law came by Christmas Eve to pick up the gifts for him, his wife and the girls(BTW They LOVED the Build a Bear gift cards...well at least the 11 year old did, the little one has no clue.lol). In turn he dropped off their gifts to us. Okay, this may sound horrible, but I really don't give a sh*t! I've been holding my tongue on this. And even though I'm not about the price of a gift and what not, I am BIG on the thought. And I must say what they did was some thoughtless tackiness the likes that I have never been privy to personally. Here we go!
1. There are 4 people that live here, why were two given gifts and the other two not acknowledged ( The other two being THE KIDS!).
2. Is it appropriate to buy a grown assed man some cotton jersey boxers?
3. If you are going to give a gift in a gift bag....GET SOME DAMN TISSUE PAPER. ( NOTE: I get crazy with gift wrap, even gift bags. I do ribbons, tissue paper, candy canes etc. People love getting a gift, not matter how big, small , great or not when it's presented in a fun way.. because why? BECAUSE IT SHOWS SOME THOUGHT AND PERSONAL CARE!!!!)
4. Why did I get an ugly pseudo fleece( ie. feels like something one stuffs into a packing box when shipping fargile items via Fed Ex...cotton bally if you will) sky blue techicolor polka dot robe and matching slippers that were OH I don't know 4 sizes too big? Screw the one size fits all sh*t, NOT TRUE!!!!
Okay, so it was terribly obvious that the minute they found out we had gifts for them they grabbed whatever and literally chucked it in to bags. Now, I know this may sound petty BUT, it was tacky as sin! Take in to account we gave thought and put care in to each gift we gave. W gave not looking for or expecting anything in return. In fact we would have rather not gotten anything. When you give a sh*t gift, not a sh*t gift meaning it's something the receive doesn't like, but a gift that you put no heart or give a damn into....You're telling that person that you don't regard them much. NOW, it would also not be so bad if we didn't have to hear about the off the wall expensive gadgets that they all gave and received from one another. I mean...HELLO, the woman does not go anywhere, she doesn't work, and when she has...does it's not the kind of work that requires a Blackberry. WTF? I guess e-mailing jokes and baby pictures requires high end technology these days ( No bitterness I got some hot techy stuff my damn self but uhm...I actually have a career and need for the stuff). OH, I must get this point out;When these two had their quickie wedding it was my husband who called himself being the "Best Man" who fed her rowdy...GREEDY family at brunch that day. He has been there for his little brother no matter how ugly he has behaved and he couldn't get his big brother a decent gift? I mean sh*t...that jackass actually came into my house and asked to use my wrapping paper and ribbons to wrap a NICE GIFT for someone else and then dumped that sh*t under my tree. It took me years to get to a point where I could find nice things to say about him, he was a spoiled brat and has only started acting like an adult since his daughter was born last year. But this...this really puts me back a few years.
I feel like this, it was rude on Christmas to give nothing to the kids. That was ugly. Screw us, give a little something to them, that gift thing is really about the kids. That was mean and I don't get it. And if it was about money (which I know it wasn't) again, give nothing. THAT I can understand and would not be insulted by. AND of all things...If your wife screwed up on the gifts then YOU get your brother something respectable. Flimsy cotton jersey boxers...that sh*t is just wrong on so many levels for so many reasons, especially if she was in charge of the gifts. That's like me giving my brother in-law a jock strap! Uhm a lil too damn personal.
Bottom line, I am not feeling my in-laws right now. As it were my birthday came they were with us for dinner, only a few weeks earlier I had given her the other gift card, I didn't even get a card. I was okay with it. I don't count other peoples money. BUT THIS.....this was just TACKY!!!!!!!!!! And although I can keep a smile on my face and love in my heart...ya know the "human kind" love, not really personal but that love your fellow man kind of love... hey it's the best I can do right now...then I can pull it off. They will never know what I really think of them or how I feel about them. But I tell ya this much, next year we will get for the girls, and that's it. Mother's and Father's day I will call and at best send and e-card. No more wasting postage on a real card (I'm big on that, we have yet to receive one back, but whatever.) Ya live and ya learn. And I have learned that no matter how much you maintain being the bigger person over and over and over again, some folks just don't know when to step up and act like they have some damn sense.
If I was them I would feel rather sh*tty. But the funny thing is I know they don't. And that's really pathetic. DAMN I feel better now that I have gotten that out of my system. Think me petty, think me not gracious. But it is what it is, and I feel how I feel. That was F*CKED UP!
I KNEW we should have just gotten her the damn robe!
Merry Christmas..okay not yet but whatever. So DH and I basically wrapped up our shopping last night. It was rather simple as I tend to get to the point. I'm not one for making shopping a big production for myself or when shopping for gifts. I AM POWER SHOPPER! With that said, I bring you to the ONE hang up...my sister in-law.
Here's the story, she is Ghetto Fabulous. Ya know the type, living way larger than she needs to. I have grown fond of her, so don't get me wrong this isn't a judgment perse, just an observation. Everyone from her husband,( My husband's brother) to my parents and some good friends of ours were very easy to shop for. We know their tastes and can afford it. See, for me Christmas is a HOLYday first and foremost. So the whole commercial Holiday thing is just a bit extra as far as I'm concerned. Add to that, I feel that the gift giving part, especially for those (like my husbands used to do) in excess, is for the children. Beyond that, ya get a gift and be grateful. Now my attitude is I will get you a gift that I can see you using and appreciating. I shop with the same attention to detail and quality for others as I do for myself (Yes you can power shop and do it thoroughly). BUT as sweet as she has turned out to be....WE ARE NOT DROPPING MORE THAN $50 BUCKS ON HER GIFT, PERIOD!
There will be no jewelry, there will be no expensive perfume, there will be no designer coats etc. We're not rich and we have GREAT credit. Screw going into debt to show off. That's stupid. Add to that, I am more on the conservative yet classy, occasionally bohemian, SOHO side. I love tailored clothing, and funky accessories. I'm not trendy. And I used to work in fashion and have friends who still do. Essentially I know way too much about how much the stuff really costs to get caught up. So two points:1. I'm not a label whore. 2. I don't get some of the Ghetto Fab styles. SO, shopping for her is a pain in the ass. As it were I got her $50 gift card for her birthday, she was beyond happy. And guess what, that's what she's gonna get on Sunday. Granted they can be a little impersonal, especially when everyone else is getting an actual gift (well my Nieces, her kids are getting gift cards to Build a Bear. But even that's personal because the thought is they will have FUN when they build their bears) But beyond that, my husband and I are at a loss where she's concerned.
Question; does that mean I haven't made enough effort to get to know her? HELL NO! I know her well enough. And I know that any pretty sweater, or funky accessory I would get her, would go unappreciated. If it's not a lil bit flashy she won't like it. SO, off to Macy's I go to get her a gift card. I'm not putting any more burn on my Vicky's card this year for her. I'm trying to hit the post holiday sales and I want a a 0 balance when I walk in. Hahahahahah...Hohohohoho gotta go.
To be continued.....
FUCK IT!
I am too blessed to be stressed!
Screw you and the horse you rode in on.
Yo Mama!
Go 2 Hell!
(Flip the bird and say) Sit and spin ( Fill in the blank with your expletive or name of choice).
Hmmm...that's about all I have to share this evening. There's a transit strike here in NYC and although I have never had a Union job, I have been in Corporate mess and I must say I believe in what they are fighting for. VIVA LA UNION Y LA REVOLUCION! Fuck the fat cats, they make me sick. These SOBs live in big houses, have never done a day of hard work in their collective lives. They have no idea what these workers have to deal with or go through, especially since the whoel Terrorism thing here in the city. I know too many people in this, people very close to me in fact. I worry for them all the time. The Bureaucrats ...aka FAT CATS...TA Pencil Pushers ( The same one who cooked the books and got caught) They do in fact turn their noses up at the Transit Workers and they feel superior. NEWS FLASH AMERICA, here in NYC the wealthy are pushing the working class out. It's a very real fact and it's ugly as sin. The very people who clean their homes, raise their kids, hell educate their kids and keep this city moving, are the very ones they are pushing out. Working poor is a term that is no longer loosely used here, it applies to the majority. SUCKS huh? Yes it does.
Live and let live. I see it like this, ensuring that one man or woman can continue to feed their families doesn't take any food of of their tables. People say it's just 6%, well add that shit up and then increase it the next time the contract is up...it adds up. Annual increases...what they offered isn't shit! Especially when you look at the declining value of the dollar...HELLO PEOPLE it's macroeconomics 101! Simple assed math.
If the cost of living has gone up, but the salaries haven't WHAT THE FUCK? People don't be so led by the media, it's not run or owned by every day people. Get it. It's all spin, and the real deal is that shit is a mess and it was on this path long before 911, TRUST ME, I was here, I was still donning a suite and briefcase at the time. I had the title, the expense account, and was in fear for my job every day even though on paper it looked like I should have been on easy street. What a joke! The cost of living here is INSANE! Expect for the rich. Working class, middle class...it's all boiling down to working poor. The creating of a vast and rapidly increasing underclass. NYC has become a virtual Oasis for the Haves. And those willing to work up can't get close and those that are barely making it...are barely clinging to hope. Now, the common folk are leaving, heading south. And those of us too stubborn to just leave are stressing out. WOW, until I started typing I didn't realize just how hot I was about this shit. It's crazy like that.
I think I'm going to go exfoliate my face……OH THE VANITY! Hahahahahahaha
Okay so lets just nix the last entry and call it a fluke. I spoke way too soon. I did it again, I wanted to see only the good and the promise of better and I got snow jobbed....BIG TIME. The step daughter...she pulled a major stunt last night. And here I sit today declareing that I've had enough. As it were, my husband and I had a nasty, nast blow up yesterday. On that alone I was ready to leave. But I didn't, I just got still and calm and focused on the big picture, the picture where we eventually work everything out and get on with a good happy life. The picture is so very pretty, not perfect, but pretty none the less. However, the reality is that I married into a majorly dysfunctional family. No one is exempt and my nerves, my spirit can't take any more.
The long and short of it is that last night my 15 year old step daughter decided not to come home. Around 7 last night my gut told me, as usual, that something was going to go down. It never fails with these kids, everytime I get that feeling they pull a stunt. Well she showed her ass in a serious way. As much as my husband started to believe that she was dead somewhere, all I kept thinking was she is very much alive and well and makeing some kind of twisted statement. Mind you, a call came from school giveing a bad report yesterday. Did she know she was going to be questioned about it? Probably. The report card came home earlier this week, we alrady voiced our concerns about what could have been better and we heard the excuses, but it was no biggy. The question is , Why? why did she not come in when she was supposed to? Why did she see out phone calls on her mobile, hear our messages and not call? Why did she call my sister in law this morning with a bull shit story, yet still not call us? Why does she do the things she does? Why do these kids know truth and hear deseprate parents on the phone and in stead of tell us what may give us some peace...lie and tell mixedup stories that make no sense? Why? Too many whys for me. I'm tired!
When you add everything up it comes down to this, my step kids feel that since I'm not their real mom they don't have to listen to me. My husband underminding my authority doesn't help. Him verbally assaulting me within their ear shot only makes it worse. Him leaving me to deal with HIS kids shit on top of the shit that we have to deal with as a couple...I can't anymore. It's always something, it never ends and it just gets progrsively worse. They thrive on this evil drama and angst I don't. The like to pretend that it's all good once the moment has passed yet do nothing to address the issues. This is their mess, it goes way back to before I even knew they existed. So WHY should I have suffer and sacrifice my life? I have no interest in being a marter! None at all, and I will not be. So many details, no time to get them all out of my head.
I can't believe that I am here in this mess! It's time to get out of it.
(To be continued...)
when you have a lot of shit going on! Last time I jounaled I was prepping for Thanksgiving, now I'm prepping for Christmas. Well at least Christmas is going to be quiet, it's just the idea of getting gifts and what not that I just can't get into. I'm not into the commercialism of the Holiday. So, I'm focusing more on the humanity thing, letting go of hurts, seeking things to do to help others, which is great because it leaves very little time for me to worry about myself. Now, I'm still on my thing about makeing time for me, but I'm not as consumed with my every day stuff as I usually am.
I count myself lucky this Advent season. I have a home, I have a family, my cupboards are not empty and all of those I love are basically happy and healthy. At the same time I'm privy to some really sad and depserate situations. The kind of stuff that just makes you want to weep. But I have come to terms with the fact that some people are here to learn great lessons about humility and respect for life, thiers and the lives of others. And for that reason alone, I can sympathize but not empathize. This is a BIGGY for me. I can't even begin to lay out the years and situations that I have gotten wrapped up in emotionally in the name of friendship. Those days are behind me. Now, I help where I can, but I know when to step back. Witout getting into the details all I will say is that certain people, I pray that they come to terms with where they are, how they got there and how it will all end up.
Family shit; my husband he's just him. My step daughter and I have reached what feels like a healthy compromise. We've found a place where we can coexist. I have realized that I need to really listen to her, she tells us exactly what she needs beyond just wanting attention. Her need is so much more than that and I really get it now. Now when we have tense moments we stop get some space bewteen us and actually apologize to one another. This has been going since I got back from Florida. So for the past month we have really made some big steps. I am so so grateful for this blessing. My stepson...he is goimg to hell! I know it. He is has been on a rampage since we got back. It's all about him, he has no regard for any of us and he doesn't even attempt to fake the funk abd apologize for the stunts he pulls anymore. He leaves in three months and 2 days and none of us can wait. He takes what is not his, he comes and goes as he pleases ( expcept when we lock him out for) and he's just RUDE, SELFSISH and Inconsiderate. I honestly think that since he is leaving he feels like he doesn't have to abide by our rules or respect our home. As sad as it is, the fact is he's not welcome here anymore. My husband had reached a point with him where granted he loves his son, but he literally tolerates his presence in this house. Now when he pulls stunts my husband goes blank and gets really quiet. He takes him aside and lets it rip then comes back and lays down. I'm worried about him. Hell a few weeks ago the boy pulled such an augly stunt that I almost left. It's like I'm living in a fucking After School Special! BTW: They really need to bring those things back to TV, they were really good! Damn I miss the 80's!!!
Anyway, there's been so much going on. I'm looking forward to 2006. I've got some really good positive, progressive projects lined up and hopefully I can get things rolling at a nice clip come January. I'me hopeful. And having good things to look forward to for myself and for my family means so much to me. As crazy as shit gets, and it gets mighty crazy at times, I'm driven to stay in a happy place. Like I've said before, it may not mean much to anyone else, by my sanity means a lot to me. And i'm preerving it come hell or high water!
The fact that I got an 8 day break from my everyday in Sunny Fla.! The trip was very much appreciated . I would like to say that it was perfect...but when you take along a spoiled 17 year old young"man" perfection and gratitude is expecting way to much.
Over all, I chose to enjoy myself inspite of his sour puss and funky attitiude. The first leg of the trip, the wedding was...intersting. It's funny how we think our problems and relationship issues are the worse, until we see people who get married with a bag of blatant NO NO's walking into it. I have never been to a wedding when I and many of the guests held out breath until the bride and groom both said " I Do". That is some sad shit. I have never been to a wedding where everything was staged and rushed. I have never been to a wedding where the guests had a way better time and laughed and smiled more than the "Happy" couple. Well I say never until this wedding. It's pretty bad when you find yourself sitting with other friends who flew in and all you can say is "GOD HELP THEM...They are in trouble" before, during and after the nuptuals take place. I'll sum it up like this, if you can't be completely honest about the kids you have becuase your partner doesn't want to acknowledge them, then you have a serious problem. And that is just the tip of the iceberg. They are in my prayers.
Moving right along, the second leg of the trip was pure vacation, 5 days of chillaxing in a Villa, shopping, enjoying the company of good friends, great dinners, LOTS of wine and sunshine. A few attractions added into the mix ofcourse, and I etched out time for self. I've been back for a week and half and I'm still feeling a longing for where I was. Keep in mind, my stepson and his manipulation, selfishness and ungratefulness did piss me off more than I wish it did, but in general I enjoyed myself. My husband...for the most part he and I got along. We're working on it, well I'm working on it and pulling him along kicking and screaming.
I' ve been caught up with planning Thanksgiving, and I'm looking forward to it. Hopefully this crappy weather we're having won't prevent my family and friends from making it here. But even if it does, we will have a great dinner, and give thanks. I keep telling myself that no matter how bad I feel things are in my little world , my troubles are so very minor in contrast to what is going on the real world. As long as I keep that in my head and my heart I can genuinly give thanks. And at the same time I can better appreciate the freedom of will that I have , and know that whatever it is in my life that doesn't make me happy or lift me up, I can change one way or another. I think that if I forget that I can change a few things that directly impact me and where I am, I will lose it. But just knowing that there are choices I can make that can make me happier gives me a serious sense of dare I say, peace. Granted, I don't feel it all of the time, but I am THANKFUL for the feeling some of the time.
The power lies in loving yourself more than you expect anyone else to. That love can drive you to do awesome things if you let it. I've always said it, and thought I got it, but I really really get it now and that feels pretty damn good. I've got a lot of work to do on me, for me. If everything else follows suit then great! If not, at least I'll enjoy being in my own skin. This simple realization is why I was able to really enjoy my vacation even with the negativity and annoyances. That's a good thing! I am really into this whole putting me back on top of my list of priorities.
As for right now, I have got to find an ensemble for Thanksgiving that reads about 10-15 lbs lighter than I am and says " Welcome, I look fab but I'm comfy" LOL .
Speaking of Fab, I looked Fab at the wedding. I don't think I've done formal/evening wear since my wedding. Damn it felt good!!!
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