when you have a lot of shit going on!  Last time I jounaled I was prepping for Thanksgiving, now I'm prepping for Christmas.  Well at least Christmas is going to be quiet, it's just the idea of getting gifts and what not that I just can't get into. I'm not into the commercialism of the Holiday.  So, I'm focusing more on the humanity thing, letting go of hurts, seeking things to do to help others, which is great because it leaves very little time for me to worry about myself.  Now, I'm still on my thing about makeing time for me, but I'm not as consumed with my every day stuff as I usually am.

I count myself lucky this Advent season.  I have a home, I have a family, my cupboards are not empty and all of those I love are basically happy and healthy.   At the same time I'm privy to some really sad and depserate situations.  The kind of stuff that just makes you want to weep.  But I have come to terms with the fact that some people are here to learn great lessons about humility and respect for life, thiers and the lives of others.   And for that reason alone, I can sympathize but not empathize.  This is a BIGGY for me.  I can't even begin to lay out the years and situations that I have gotten wrapped up in emotionally in the name of friendship.   Those days are behind me.  Now, I help where I can, but I know when to step back.    Witout getting into the details all I will say is that certain people, I pray that they come to terms with where they are, how they got there and how it will all end up.  

Family shit; my husband he's just him.  My step daughter and I have reached what feels like a healthy compromise.  We've found a place where we can coexist.  I have realized that I need to really listen to her, she tells us exactly what she needs beyond just wanting attention.  Her need is so much more than that and I really get it now.  Now when we have tense moments we stop get some space bewteen us and actually apologize to one another.   This has been going since I got back from Florida.  So for the past month we have really made some big steps. I am so so grateful for this blessing.   My stepson...he is goimg to hell!  I know it.  He is has been on a rampage since we got back. It's all about him, he has no regard for any of us and he doesn't even attempt to fake the funk abd apologize for the stunts he pulls anymore.  He leaves in three months and 2 days and none of us can wait.  He takes what is not his, he comes and goes as he pleases ( expcept when we lock him out for) and he's just RUDE, SELFSISH and Inconsiderate.  I honestly think that since he is leaving he feels like he doesn't have to abide by our rules or respect our home.   As sad as it is, the fact is he's not welcome here anymore.  My husband had reached a point with him where granted he loves his son, but he literally tolerates his presence in this house.  Now when he pulls stunts my husband goes blank and gets really quiet.  He takes him aside and lets it rip then comes back and lays down.  I'm worried about him.    Hell a few weeks ago the boy pulled such an augly stunt that I almost left.  It's like I'm living in a fucking After School Special!  BTW: They really need to bring those things back to TV, they were really good!   Damn I miss the 80's!!!

Anyway, there's been so much going on.  I'm looking forward to 2006.  I've got some really good positive, progressive projects lined up and hopefully I can get things rolling at a nice clip come January.   I'me hopeful.  And having good things to look forward to for myself and for my family means so much to me.  As crazy as shit gets, and it gets mighty crazy at times, I'm driven to stay in a happy place.  Like I've said before, it may not mean much to anyone else, by my sanity means a lot to me.  And i'm preerving it come hell or high water!